If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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