Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize