i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
