I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I fill condoms, not promises.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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