The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
