I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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