finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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