I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
