I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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