we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
