how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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