shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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