I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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