Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
