He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
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So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
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I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize