You smell like a Billy Joel song
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
