Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
