I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
i am craving dick and cupcakes
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
