You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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