ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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