ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
