I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
This is classic penis vs brain.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
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