Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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