So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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