ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
