You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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