Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
