just come out here and I will go home with you...
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
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