Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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