oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
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