Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
