her vagina looked like bernie madoff
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
