At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
