How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.