i was born a porn star she said
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements