When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
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It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
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Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?