i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
