and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
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