So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
