Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
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