her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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