my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
