Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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