sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
