Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
