Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
