Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
