i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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