I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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