I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
