how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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