literally had 100 drinks last night.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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