this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize