All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
