Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
