I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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