I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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