I checked into jail on foursquare
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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