wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
